Adolescence can be challenging for both teens and parents. Many studies indicate that marital and family satisfaction level is at its lowest when the children are between 12 to 16 years old. But why? Well, it has a lot to do with their brains.
Understand The Teenage Brain
At the ages of 10 to 12, our brain goes through extensive changes – growing and pruning connections at the same time. That’s pretty messy for the teen. Think in terms of living in a house while renovation is going on.
On top of that, there’s the mismatch between the maturity of the limbic system (responsible for emotions) and the pre-frontal cortex (responsible for logical thinking). Whilst the limbic system is growing vigorously, the pre-frontal cortex is developing gradually, and will not fully mature until about a decade later. As a result, teens face difficulties reigning in their impulses and end up doing things that may be foolish (at least in the parents’ view), dangerous, or even both. While this is going on, your patience is getting tested to its limits.
A clear display of the incongruence between a teen’s logical capabilities and the actions they end up taking is presented in what is known as the “Iowa Gambling Task”.
The Iowa Gambling Task was designed to assess the decision-making abilities of individuals under uncertainty and risk. Subjects were presented with four decks of cards, two of which yield large immediate gains but may be offset by larger occasional penalties resulting in a disadvantageous long-term outcome; the other two decks bring small gains but also small penalties which result in a long-term monetary profit.
It was discovered that adults tend to make choices consistent with their reasoning capacity; whereas in adolescents, the same pattern is not clearly seen. Demonstrating that, in many cases, a seemingly rational teen may choose to engage in risky behaviours.
Then, let’s look at another contributing factor – teenage hormones.
Teenage Hormones
Between the ages of 10 and 13, the teenager is loaded with hormones which produce physical and emotional changes in them. This may cause them to be anxious, over-sensitive, experience frequent mood swings and so, they can be easily overwhelmed by the slightest triggers. Yet more often than not, we expect them to think like an adult when they are simply not one yet. Telling them to “get over it!” just amplifies their negative emotions. Those emotional outbursts you saw when they were toddlers play out once again; except that they are not “cute” anymore. So, what then? Well, the solution – counterintuitive as it may seem – is more love, more patience, and more understanding from the parents.
Navigating The Differences
Staying connected
Go easy on your hugs and kisses if your teen resists that sort of PDA (public displays of affection). A pat on the back or a squeeze on the arm keeps the connection alive. If you sense however, that they would prefer to be left alone, respect the distance and wait for a better time – like after a satisfying meal or a good rest.
Loosen up
Teens enjoy fun and crazy stuff. How about doing a family sleep-over at the beach or hang out at McDonald’s at 4am? Have a pillow fight! Host an all-nighter movie night! Memories are made of these.
Choose your battles
With a teen at home, conflict will come to you without you looking for it. Choose what you’re fighting over. If it does not concern safety or morals, maybe it’s not that critical. Sure, respect is also important, but, how can teens learn to respect if we don’t give them some first.
Make your text sweet
Teens tend to let their fingers do the talking. If it is easier to type out “I love you” or key in a sweet emoji, then do it. I always end my family text messages with hearts and kisses. Be very intentional to influence them to be pleasant in their communication.
Heart to heart talk
Well, sometimes you do need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your teen. But lest it turn volcanic, plan in advance what you want to say and also be willing to listen and work towards a feasible solution. The most important thing is to let the teen know that – no matter the circumstance – you are on their team.
Take heart, we were all teenagers once. What do you wish your parents had done more and what do you wish they would have done less? Draw from that experience and put things right for your own family. Make your parenting journey amazing with a little creativity and plenty of hard work!
By Esther Lai
